Short Story: A Perfect Match

So in short, I’ve tried everything. Risqué clothing, business meetings over dinner, a work trip where we had to spend the weekend away. He didn’t take the hint, even when I waxed everywhere and wore a Versace bikini.

Cupid, I need your help.

The writer of the letter was Faye Baker, CEO of Baker Enterprises and recently voted Wall Street’s businesswoman of the year. Unfortunately for Cupid, she was also Faye Baker who’d fallen hopelessly in love with her chief legal counsel. Only the imbecile seemed oblivious.

Cupid sighed. Since he’d switched over to email in an attempt to go green, orders at “Cupid’s One Stop Love Shop” had quadrupled, and he’d been forced to expand his team.

The problem was that in this age of PlayStations, archery had somewhat fallen out of favour among the younger generation of gods. He just couldn’t get the staff, and he’d really been scraping the barrel when he’d hired his nephew, Koalemos.

Cupid looked at the rota for Valentine’s Day again, just in case an extra vacant slot had miraculously materialised. It hadn’t. Faye was having Koal at five, or she wasn’t having anybody.

With a heavy heart, he called Koal’s cell phone.

“Yello, you’ve reached Koal Lovegood, Cupid’s apprentice.” The voice sounded too chipper for the late hour.

“I’ve got an extra booking for you tomorrow.” Cupid gave him the details, finishing with, “And don’t screw up this time.”

“No problem, Uncle, I won’t let you down.”

Koal threw his phone down on the table and did a little victory dance. Finally, he’d scored another high-profile client! It felt great to get one over on Diana, his oh-so-perfect cousin and Cupid’s numero uno sidekick. Miss “I’ve been on Heaven’s archery team for five years running” with her fancy bow was going to blow her top.

He read through the instructions that Cupid had emailed. Faye had opted for the $199 deluxe package—two people, two arrows—rather than the single arrow “take your chances” option favoured by the more desperate.

All Koal had to do was get those arrows on target.

Piece of cake. He’d been playing Robin Hood on his Wii for practice.

At five the next day, Koal squashed himself into the shrubbery bordering the car park at Baker Enterprises. Ouch! Damn thorns. He removed a particularly vicious spike from his ass, loaded an arrow, and settled in for the wait. Faye had promised to make sure her beau walked her to her car at half past five on the dot.

And there they were… Koal recognised Faye from the cover of Time magazine. He pulled his string back, released, and… Bullseye!

One shot to go, then he could go back to his cloud and while away the evening on his computer. If he had to be completely honest, web design was his thing. But servers and graphics tablets didn’t pay for themselves, so the day job was an unfortunate necessity.

He slotted another arrow into the bow, aimed, and fired.

Ah, shit.

Koal watched, aghast, as Faye’s one true amour bent to tie his shoe. The bolt of love sailed over his head and hit… well, that wasn’t supposed to happen. 

Oops.

Cupid bent over his desk, head in his hands. The headline of The National Enquirer stared up at him: Wall Street Darling Faye Baker Weds Hotdog Seller in Vegas Quickie.

His secretary buzzed through. “Koal’s here.”

“Send him in.”

A minute later, Koal stood in front of him, staring at his feet.

“You had one job,” he told his nephew. “One job. I can’t trust you to do anything. This is worse than last year when you made that Hollywood A-lister fall for the props assistant. I’ve had a word with your father, and we’ve found you something more suitable. Something where the responsibility’s taken out of your hands.”

“You’re firing me?”

“Think of it as a sideways step.”

One that didn’t involve arrows or human interaction.

And that’s how match.com was born…